I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Houston, we have a squirter
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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