I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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