I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
