After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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