I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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