im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
