I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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