I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
