I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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