Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
