i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
