Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
