Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
