i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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