Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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