Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
