I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
