u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
