you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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