Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
