Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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