also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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