Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
