i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
