We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
