no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
