you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
