At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
