I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
