Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
