I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
