Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
