she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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