my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
