Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
