Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
