two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.