My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
