I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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