tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
