dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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