New invention idea: vibrating tampons
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
