In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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