And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
