Banned from zoo.
Again?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
