Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
