Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
