Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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