The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
