When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
