Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
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Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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