i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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