i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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