Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
