This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
