I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
