idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
